The right paint color can help you move on from divorce

So you are divorced, and you are sitting in the living room looking around at the house you once shared with your ex. All the memories of your past are staring you in the face. Everything in that room echoes with memories.

Being surrounded by your past is not a good way to move forward, but you're not in a position to move. What can you do?

When that happened to me I got out the paint. I painted every surface a new color, and moved the furniture around so that I literally had a new perspective - on the room and on life. By making these simple changes inside my home it made me feel like a fresh start was possible, and gave me the courage to make bigger changes (like starting Rivalee Design).

In the last five years I've helped my clients do the same thing. One lovely lady had spent four years staring the stuff her ex left behind, until she hired me to come and help clear out the baggage.  With every box that went to goodwill I watched her physically lighten, and she began to smile more easily.  Another energetic gal had moved into a new condo of her own after divorce, but was feeling sad and blue because the space felt so impersonal and beige. We brightened her space with pumpkin colored paint and a zebra rug, and helped her create a space that felt just like the new 'her.'

Making over a room make not feel like the obvious answer to how to move on from your divorce, but it's a small, safe way to create change in a life that needs some new answers, and give you the courage to move forward in bigger ways, too.

Opening a door to a new life...

For just a minute the other day I thought about changing my company name to Open Door Design. I was thinking about how it feels to open the door after a home or room makeover... it's like stepping into a whole new life that is in perfect alignment with who you are and who you want to be.

One of the essential, core values of our company is that the home should support the people who live their.  *Support* their goals and good habits and challenge them to live the life the yearn to live.  Never *sabotage* those goals, keeping people stuck in past failures and heavy histories.

Now, the name Rivalee Design came from my grandmother's name and I have no plans to change it, but it can be fun and illuminating to play with our identities and try things on. Just like when we tried our first names with our grade-school boyfriend's last names, we may not actually make a name change but the exercise helps us imagine what could be, and how it might feel.  We clarify who we are, and that clarity helps make sure we are on track with our goals and in alignment with our purpose.

That happened for me not only when I was naming Rivalee Design, but also when I chose my last name "West" after my divorce.  I wanted a name that really felt like "me" and that would help me get a fresh start, like a fresh coat of paint on my whole life.  I chose West because to me it represented the spirit of the pioneer, taking on new adventures, going West.  By wrapping myself in the name West, I felt dressed and ready to take on a new life, and shed the old one.

A new name, a made-over bedroom, a new wardrobe that suits your new lifestyle and ambitions, these all may be just the dressing to our life, but it sets the stage for your daily routine and helps you get to your goals. If you are feeling stuck in your life the easiest way to get unstuck might be by changing the dressing on your life.  Get rid of things in your closet you no longer wear.  Give away the bed you shared with your ex.  Repaint the living room.  Plant colorful flowers in your front yard.  Tiny visual changes can be the key that opens the door to your next chapter.

Is the chair worth your marriage? Notes on compromise, design, and marriage.

I just finished a delightful book called Spousonomics.  I enjoyed it not only because it gave me a fresh way to look at the constant adventure of marriage, but put it in the unfluffy language of economics, as in simple supply and demand.  Sound dry and boring?  It's anything but!  Witty, lighthearted, smart and resourceful, I'd recommend it to newlyweds and long-term partners alike.  

What does this have to do with design?  Well, you know how in the TV show Frasier, Frasier's dad Marty Crane insisted on brining his ugly, icky worn chair into Frasier's perfectly decorated living room?  In part of the book one of the authors reveals the love she held for her own chair, and her husband's feelings about said chair: 

"Nothing did quite as much damage [to the marriage] as the La-Z-Boy.  Paula loved that chair.  She’d owned it for nearly a decade, and she’d dragged it with her every time she changed apartments.  She’d cuddled in it with her bipolar cat before she had to give him up for adoption for being too bipolar.  She’d sat in it listening to depressing Joni Mitchell songs after a long, drawn-out breakup.  That chair wasn’t just a chair; it was a trusted friend.  Upholstered in a soft, worn-in, mud brown velour, it had great lumbar support and a footrest.  It was the most comfortable seat in the house.  How could anyone think otherwise?

Apparently, Nevi could.  When he looked at the chair, he didn’t see good ergonomics or the warm patina of lost youth.  He saw an ugly, frayed, cat-piss-stained brown lump in the middle of his living room.  He said that Paula was overly sentimental about her possessions and that her love for the chair was “unhealthy.”  He said that every time he looked at it, he cringed.  He said in made him unhappy.  

Which Paula thought was insane.  How could merely looking at a chair make a person unhappy?  Wasn’t Nevi being a little melodramatic?"

The author goes on to write:

"In Paula’s case, it wasn’t just that she loved the chair - it was that she couldn’t stand the pain of losing the chair.  Losing it meant losing everything the chair had come to symbolize: her independent single days, her freedom to buy what she wanted and decorate how she wanted, and her ability to sit around doing nothing all day without having to consider the needs of someone else."

And then she asks "was the chair worth another year of fighting with Nevi?"

When I work with my clients I have to help them see their stuff for what it really is, just stuff.  Sometimes this story will end with Nevi coming to terms with how important the chair is to Paula, and letting it be.  Sometimes it will end with Paula understanding that it's just a chair, and letting it go does not mean she has given up her independence or youthful spirit.  And sometimes, in giving up the chair, Paula will realize that while yes, her youth may be in the past, her present is really wonderful and not something to disregard as less worthy than her spirited youth.  

Just like Paula and Nevi, or Frasier and his dad, you might have something in your life of your own or your partner's that is causing friction.  Take a moment to think about the real value of the item, and of the person.  If you can get a little perspective, it might bring a little peace back into the home.

Want prosperity? Then dress (your home) for success!

You've heard that you should "dress for the job you want", but did you know you should also dress your home for the life that you want?

• Want to be a healthy, energetic person? Is your kitchen a room that invites cooking healthy meals or is it set up for grab-and-go eating?
• Want to be a successful business person? Is your office the room of a successful entrepreneur or the cave of a messy middleman?
• Want to be a generous, giving person? Is your home neat and clutter-free, or are you hoarding lots of stuff that someone else could really use and would love to have?

This is a great time to determine where you are in your life and where you want to be. Take a moment to reflect on this past year and decide what kind of life you want and what kind of person you want to be in the coming year.  Make sure that your home supports those goals, that you have a bedroom that lets you rest comfortably, a kitchen that makes it easy to cook healthily, a living room that encourages conversation, and an office that supports your career goals.  Let go of the past and leap into your future, and remember:

"You can't write the next part of your story if you keep rereading the last chapter in your life!"

Wish you were $6000 richer? The truth about Self-Storage and clutter.

http://www.stonecreekstorage.com/

"America has a problem with overaccumulation" says Peter Walsh in his book It's All Too Much. "It's abundantly clear if you spend one minute noticing how many self-storage facilities have sprung up in your neighborhood."

While there are times that renting a storage unit can make sense, if you are one of the many people with stuff in storage, maybe it's time to reevaluate this choice.  Let's say you rented a storage unit 5 years ago because you moved and the new house had less room. You didn't think you'd stay in the smaller place that long, but here you are, 5 years later.  Let's say the unit runs you $100 a month.  You've spent $6000 storing all that stuff!  Have you gone back to access any of it?  Are you really sure what is even in that unit?  It's time to accept that whatever 'temporary' reason you had for renting the unit isn't actually temporary, and starting living your actual life.

Is there anything that you could use $6000 for right now?

Don't waste time regretting that lost income, but also don't waste another dollar storing all that stuff.  Put a deadline on the calendar for when you will cancel the agreement, and get to work!

Three common problems and a hint to help:

1. It's my daughter's or son's stuff.  What are you teaching your kids?  To value the things that they own.  If these items are important they should come and get them.  If they aren't important, they should go to Goodwill so someone else can use them.

2. It's family heirlooms. If it is stuffed in a box, covered in dust or mildew, and hasn't seen daylight in 5 years, it's NOT precious.  Stop pretending you care about it if you can't honor it enough to have it out and appreciated.  Give your extended family a chance to have the heirloom items, but if they don't care enough to take them either, it is not your responsibility to be the family storage facility.

3. It's overwhelming.  Set a timer, only work on the project 2 hours at a time.  With each item simply ask "Can someone else use or enjoy this more than I am?"  "Does this item add value to the life I want to live"  "Is storing this item worth $1200 a year?"  Don't hesitate to call a friend or a professional to help, they (we) can make it much less overwhelming and even fun!

You CAN do this, and you will feel freer and richer as a result.  Good luck, and happy un-storing!

Is your ex still haunting your house?

After your ex moves out of the house one of the challenges is to turn "our" home into "my" home, but it can be hard to get that "at home" feeling when your ex is still haunting your home!

When your ex moved out they didn't take *everything* with them... they left behind the Memories.  The sofa you bought together, the pictures of you both with your friends last summer, the wedding gift from your aunt, the print from that winery you picked up on your honeymoon... the list goes on and on.  How do you get rid of those ghosts without setting a match to it all and walking away?

Recently, while being interviewed for an upcoming documentary on divorce in the USA, they asked if I have my clients throw everything out in order to start fresh after a divorce. I said "no, of course not" and explained that not only is that prohibitively expensive for most of my clients, but that relaunching doesn't mean having to toss everything and buy all new. For each client we have to start by figuring out what in the home needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be put away for a while. And if there are kids involved we also have to figure out what they need to stay connected to the other parent, without holding anyone back from moving forward. It's not easy.

Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life. Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!

If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:

1. Make one small change. Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table. Just repaint your bedroom. One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.

2. Give yourself permission to let go. Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable. It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.

3. Give yourself permission to hold on. If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic. It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever. And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.

4. Get help. Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space. Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room. What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt? Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.

Why our homes must change

Show up to work every day in your favorite outfit from the 80's and you wouldn't feel quite as smart, successful, and accomplished. You'd feel silly and people would wonder why you were having so much trouble letting go of the past. Yet many of us still live in homes surrounded by the same furniture, colors and artwork that we had in our last marriage, or when our kids were still toddlers, or when we weighed 60 pounds more.

Author Terah Collins, in "The Western Guide to Feng Shui", writes:

"Embracing change is often resisted in our culture. We are supposed to always look 25, buy furniture once, and choose one career we can stick with for a lifetime. As we all know, life doesn't work that way. Change happens. As we grow older and wiser, we may marry, have children, divorce, remarry, go back to school, change careers, move, make new friends..."

She goes on to explain that we can't fully move forward in life if our homes fail to reflect those changes.

Bedroom BEFORE Rivalee Design

Bedroom AFTER Rivalee Design

Take a look around your home. Try to see it as if you were a new friend visiting for the first time. How would you describe the person that lives there? What gender is this person? Does a single person, couple, or family live here? What is their age? What interests do they have? Do you think they live a happy, energetic, successful life? Does it look like this person is excited about the future and is living fully?

If you home isn't sending you the messages you want then it is time to make a change. You simply can't wake up every day to a home that brings you down and expect to get what you want out of life. Your home should support you and your goals and make you feel great about the life your are living!