The right paint color can help you move on from divorce

So you are divorced, and you are sitting in the living room looking around at the house you once shared with your ex. All the memories of your past are staring you in the face. Everything in that room echoes with memories.

Being surrounded by your past is not a good way to move forward, but you're not in a position to move. What can you do?

When that happened to me I got out the paint. I painted every surface a new color, and moved the furniture around so that I literally had a new perspective - on the room and on life. By making these simple changes inside my home it made me feel like a fresh start was possible, and gave me the courage to make bigger changes (like starting Rivalee Design).

In the last five years I've helped my clients do the same thing. One lovely lady had spent four years staring the stuff her ex left behind, until she hired me to come and help clear out the baggage.  With every box that went to goodwill I watched her physically lighten, and she began to smile more easily.  Another energetic gal had moved into a new condo of her own after divorce, but was feeling sad and blue because the space felt so impersonal and beige. We brightened her space with pumpkin colored paint and a zebra rug, and helped her create a space that felt just like the new 'her.'

Making over a room make not feel like the obvious answer to how to move on from your divorce, but it's a small, safe way to create change in a life that needs some new answers, and give you the courage to move forward in bigger ways, too.

Opening a door to a new life...

For just a minute the other day I thought about changing my company name to Open Door Design. I was thinking about how it feels to open the door after a home or room makeover... it's like stepping into a whole new life that is in perfect alignment with who you are and who you want to be.

One of the essential, core values of our company is that the home should support the people who live their.  *Support* their goals and good habits and challenge them to live the life the yearn to live.  Never *sabotage* those goals, keeping people stuck in past failures and heavy histories.

Now, the name Rivalee Design came from my grandmother's name and I have no plans to change it, but it can be fun and illuminating to play with our identities and try things on. Just like when we tried our first names with our grade-school boyfriend's last names, we may not actually make a name change but the exercise helps us imagine what could be, and how it might feel.  We clarify who we are, and that clarity helps make sure we are on track with our goals and in alignment with our purpose.

That happened for me not only when I was naming Rivalee Design, but also when I chose my last name "West" after my divorce.  I wanted a name that really felt like "me" and that would help me get a fresh start, like a fresh coat of paint on my whole life.  I chose West because to me it represented the spirit of the pioneer, taking on new adventures, going West.  By wrapping myself in the name West, I felt dressed and ready to take on a new life, and shed the old one.

A new name, a made-over bedroom, a new wardrobe that suits your new lifestyle and ambitions, these all may be just the dressing to our life, but it sets the stage for your daily routine and helps you get to your goals. If you are feeling stuck in your life the easiest way to get unstuck might be by changing the dressing on your life.  Get rid of things in your closet you no longer wear.  Give away the bed you shared with your ex.  Repaint the living room.  Plant colorful flowers in your front yard.  Tiny visual changes can be the key that opens the door to your next chapter.

On a Personal Note: On being a solo-preneur and charging reasonable design rates

This month I have been doing a lot of thinking about my role in Rivalee Design.  For five wonderful years the company has continued to grow, offering more services, broadening the scope of projects, and hosting classes and seminars on design. There are times when I question my own capacity to be the sole designer at Rivalee Design. I don't know what the future holds but so far I have kept to the sole designer model for a very specific reason. I am not trying to grow a big design firm. Since day one the relationship I have with my clients has been my #1 motivation in working every day. To outsource that relationship to a team of interns or junior designers would mean that I would not get to work as closely with each clients as I prefer. As I said, I don't know what the future holds, but I will hold to this ideal as long as I can.

My other guiding value is to make design as accessible as posssible, and try to keep my rates and the way I work as available to 'real people' as I can. I know that in order to do that and still meet my other personal goals, I have to find other ways to spread my message and reach the public. What will that mean? For one, it will mean writing! Two books currently in the works, one on the Empty Nest and feeling at home in a now-empty home, and one on Divorce and creating a new life and space when newly single. Next January watch for a collaborative workshop for women in their 40s 50s and 60s ready to launch their third chapter. And I am also in the talks with a production company to create a series of educational videos. It's going to be a busy year, but another exciting one.  

Oh, and did I mention I'm planning a wedding on top of all of that? Come the end of the year I might need a very, very long nap.

Is the chair worth your marriage? Notes on compromise, design, and marriage.

I just finished a delightful book called Spousonomics.  I enjoyed it not only because it gave me a fresh way to look at the constant adventure of marriage, but put it in the unfluffy language of economics, as in simple supply and demand.  Sound dry and boring?  It's anything but!  Witty, lighthearted, smart and resourceful, I'd recommend it to newlyweds and long-term partners alike.  

What does this have to do with design?  Well, you know how in the TV show Frasier, Frasier's dad Marty Crane insisted on brining his ugly, icky worn chair into Frasier's perfectly decorated living room?  In part of the book one of the authors reveals the love she held for her own chair, and her husband's feelings about said chair: 

"Nothing did quite as much damage [to the marriage] as the La-Z-Boy.  Paula loved that chair.  She’d owned it for nearly a decade, and she’d dragged it with her every time she changed apartments.  She’d cuddled in it with her bipolar cat before she had to give him up for adoption for being too bipolar.  She’d sat in it listening to depressing Joni Mitchell songs after a long, drawn-out breakup.  That chair wasn’t just a chair; it was a trusted friend.  Upholstered in a soft, worn-in, mud brown velour, it had great lumbar support and a footrest.  It was the most comfortable seat in the house.  How could anyone think otherwise?

Apparently, Nevi could.  When he looked at the chair, he didn’t see good ergonomics or the warm patina of lost youth.  He saw an ugly, frayed, cat-piss-stained brown lump in the middle of his living room.  He said that Paula was overly sentimental about her possessions and that her love for the chair was “unhealthy.”  He said that every time he looked at it, he cringed.  He said in made him unhappy.  

Which Paula thought was insane.  How could merely looking at a chair make a person unhappy?  Wasn’t Nevi being a little melodramatic?"

The author goes on to write:

"In Paula’s case, it wasn’t just that she loved the chair - it was that she couldn’t stand the pain of losing the chair.  Losing it meant losing everything the chair had come to symbolize: her independent single days, her freedom to buy what she wanted and decorate how she wanted, and her ability to sit around doing nothing all day without having to consider the needs of someone else."

And then she asks "was the chair worth another year of fighting with Nevi?"

When I work with my clients I have to help them see their stuff for what it really is, just stuff.  Sometimes this story will end with Nevi coming to terms with how important the chair is to Paula, and letting it be.  Sometimes it will end with Paula understanding that it's just a chair, and letting it go does not mean she has given up her independence or youthful spirit.  And sometimes, in giving up the chair, Paula will realize that while yes, her youth may be in the past, her present is really wonderful and not something to disregard as less worthy than her spirited youth.  

Just like Paula and Nevi, or Frasier and his dad, you might have something in your life of your own or your partner's that is causing friction.  Take a moment to think about the real value of the item, and of the person.  If you can get a little perspective, it might bring a little peace back into the home.

Spend More Time with Friends and Family: New Years Resolution

"Spend More Time With Friends and Family"

This one seems to top the list of many people's New Year's Resolution lists.  If this really is a priority for you, what's getting in the way?  If you, like many of my clients, feel embarrassed by your home, then naturally that is keeping you from inviting over your friends and family.  If the thought of a houseguest makes you anxious, something needs to change.
When I work with a client that shares this goal with me, we do three things to fix the situation.  I ask them to:

1. Imagine the life you WANT to live.  Close your eyes and describe for me what it means to spend time with friends and family.  Paint me a picture, in detail. Where are you?  How many people are there? Who are they?  What are you doing?  How long do people stay?  Who initiated it?

2. Send out invitations.  We all study harder right before a test.  Having a deadline helps motivate action, so I ask my clients to put a date on the calendar and invite the honored guests.  It might just be your spouse or your sister over for a glass of wine, or it might be a dinner party for twelve.  What matters is setting a date and letting people know - trust me, it will help you reach the goal!

3. Take action.  Now for the physical, task-oriented work.  Clear the clutter.  Arrange the furniture to suit how you want to use the room (family dinners?  movie night?  game night?  cuddled next to the fireplace?  everyone crafting in the same room?).  Sell or give away what you don't need, and bring in what you need to finish the space.  That doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but what ever you *do* spend, remember that this is an investment in the life you WANT to live.

You can do these things on your own but I highly recommend involving a friend or a professional who will help you keep your eye on the prize, help you keep objective perspective, and kick you in the butt if you need it.  It's too easy to let go and end up making the same resolution in 2013.

Don't waste this coming year.  If spending more time with friends and family is a priority for you, figure out what you need to do to make it happen, then do it!

Want prosperity? Then dress (your home) for success!

You've heard that you should "dress for the job you want", but did you know you should also dress your home for the life that you want?

• Want to be a healthy, energetic person? Is your kitchen a room that invites cooking healthy meals or is it set up for grab-and-go eating?
• Want to be a successful business person? Is your office the room of a successful entrepreneur or the cave of a messy middleman?
• Want to be a generous, giving person? Is your home neat and clutter-free, or are you hoarding lots of stuff that someone else could really use and would love to have?

This is a great time to determine where you are in your life and where you want to be. Take a moment to reflect on this past year and decide what kind of life you want and what kind of person you want to be in the coming year.  Make sure that your home supports those goals, that you have a bedroom that lets you rest comfortably, a kitchen that makes it easy to cook healthily, a living room that encourages conversation, and an office that supports your career goals.  Let go of the past and leap into your future, and remember:

"You can't write the next part of your story if you keep rereading the last chapter in your life!"

Renting doesn't have to feel temporary and bland

When we rent we often feel like we are in a temporary home and there is no sense putting effort or money into making the apartment feel like home.  This can be a big mistake since it can encourage you to treat the rest of your life as temporary too and you might not put the energy into your career, relationships, and yourself that you need to in order to achieve your goals.

Setting aside the concept that all of life is, in fact, temporary, let's agree that the only time we can be sure of having is this moment, right now.  If that is true then the place where you are living right now is your home and is the only place setting the stage for how you start and end your day.  While you might daydream of that perfect home you might someday have, why not make something of the home you are already living in?

Rented Queen Anne Condo BEFORE Rivalee Design

Rented Queen Anne Condo AFTER Rivalee Design

It doesn't have to cost a lot, and it wouldn't make sense to make permanent changes to the space (unless your landlord will reimburse you), but a lush area rug, a coordinated color scheme, even a fresh coat of paint can make you happier in the place in which your are living and give you the feeling of success and motivation you need to pursue your other goals.

Even if you are convinced that you'll be buying your dream home in just another year or two, make the effort to create a home in your current place, because a year or two can become five years before you know it, not to mention that anything can happen in a year.

Recovering from divorce through design

Credit: scottsnyde

© scottsnyde - SXC

So, you’re newly single. When you look around your home, do you see your future, or only ghosts and broken dreams? As painful as divorce is, it is also the beginning of the rest of your life, and if you can embrace this idea you will find a whole new world of possibility waiting for you.

I've been there. I have faced the pain and embarrassment of knowing that I failed at marriage, and the terror of knowing that every plan I’d made is void and I need a new plan. I have also faced living in a home that reminded me of that lost life everywhere I looked.

So what did I do? I repainted every wall, craigslisted some of the furniture, and created a home that said ME instead of US. And once I was done, I felt like I could start my life again because everywhere I looked I saw a beginning instead of an end.

So, when you are ready to leave the pain and past behind, why not start with a fresh coat of paint? There is nothing so therapeutic as physical activity, and I can almost guarantee that this will help you restart your life emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

If you have kids you will have to be sensitive to their needs, too, of course. You can ask them if they want to redesign their room. Some kids will really need the stability of everything staying the same, and you will need to take things slowly, and just do one room, perhaps your bedroom and master bath, at first. Other kids will leap at the idea and enjoy this new project with you. Either way, it’s smart to create a box of mementos of their other parent, even early love letters and photos, for your kids to have for later as they ask questions about your marriage and what happened. Some of my most treasured items from my own childhood are the cards signed ‘mom and dad’ from the years before my parents’ divorce when I was seven. 

 
Still, your children learn from everything you do, and if they see you embracing a new future (instead of bashing the past) they can learn optimism and courage, and from you will understand how to make the best of even the hardest situations.