When your ex moved out they didn't take *everything* with them... they left behind the Memories. The sofa you bought together, the pictures of you both with your friends last summer, the wedding gift from your aunt, the print from that winery you picked up on your honeymoon... the list goes on and on. How do you get rid of those ghosts without setting a match to it all and walking away?
Recently, while being interviewed for an upcoming documentary on divorce in the USA, they asked if I have my clients throw everything out in order to start fresh after a divorce. I said "no, of course not" and explained that not only is that prohibitively expensive for most of my clients, but that relaunching doesn't mean having to toss everything and buy all new. For each client we have to start by figuring out what in the home needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be put away for a while. And if there are kids involved we also have to figure out what they need to stay connected to the other parent, without holding anyone back from moving forward. It's not easy.
Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life. Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!
If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:
1. Make one small change. Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table. Just repaint your bedroom. One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.
2. Give yourself permission to let go. Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable. It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.
3. Give yourself permission to hold on. If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic. It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever. And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.
4. Get help. Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space. Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room. What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt? Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.
Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life. Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!
If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:
1. Make one small change. Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table. Just repaint your bedroom. One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.
2. Give yourself permission to let go. Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable. It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.
3. Give yourself permission to hold on. If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic. It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever. And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.
4. Get help. Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space. Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room. What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt? Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.
