Claim Your Spot In The Sun: How Your Home Can Help You

A recent Tumblr image of "men taking up too much space on a train" caught my eye...  two men on a subway train, legs splayed out, penning in a tightly compressed, contained woman. I think it struck me as extra funny because I've had that "overflowing" experience with my husband on plane trips, his body spilling freely past his seat, me politely contained in my spot. I (affectionately) call him "Mr. Elbows". But aside from making me identify a cultural curiosity within my own marriage, that image also got me thinking about myself as a woman and how I make myself be seen and heard in the world.

Then, last week, enjoying my morning walk on a local trail, I noticed a similar male vs female phenomena as I passed other walkers on the path. As men approached other walkers they stayed center to the trail, while nearly every woman moved aside. The men greeted each passerby with confident "good mornings," while women spoke it more gently, often in response to someone else saying it first, and also frequently with a rather apologetic smile. I became hyper-aware of my own greetings. Did I greet first? Second? Did I use a quiet, timid voice or a confident, assertive voice? Did I move aside, or did we equally share the trail? 

[Photo from Tumblr]

Of course that made me wonder, as an interior designer, how can my work help women (or introverted men) be seen and heard?

For me, my home is an integral part to how I begin my day. When I wake up in my home, I smile as I look around my bedroom. It is tidy, sensual, and looks onto my beautiful woodsy yard. From the moment I wake, I feel supported, present, affirmed, clear about who I am. 

By feeling supported at home, I leave the house with my head higher, shoulders back, and then speak to strangers, colleagues and clients with more confidence. My clothes and colors, the cleanliness of my car, my smile, they all remind me that I'm Rebecca West and I have a place in this world. I have every right to every inch of my plane seat, to an equal share of the trail. I have a right to be seen and heard.

On the other hand, if you wake up to a home that looks like it belongs to someone else, or to a room that is stuck in a moment in your history that is past or hurtful, or to a place that is falling apart and speaks of failure and not success, you will, naturally, start your day off in a very different place and have to work harder to hold those shoulders back and demand your place in the sunshine. That's not to say it can't be done - people do it every day - but why not start your day off in a place of support and love?

In the end, I don't want anyone, male or female, to diminish their power. There is room enough for all of us to be confident, and each of us have the responsibility to speak up and take up a good chunk of space in this world. I mean, if you don't take the space, someone else probably will. Why not make the moment yours? And in a world where every magazine cover would have you believe you're not tall enough, sexy enough, or smart enough, you have to create spaces that smile back at you, that say YOU ARE ENOUGH! - spaces that encourage you to stake a claim in your life. Whether that starts at home, in your closet, or in your cubicle, it's time to be seen and heard. No apologies. 

I may not be the next "Ms. Elbows," but plan to share the road (or trail) with me!

Can Color Increase Satisfaction in the Bedroom?

Since we are embarking on our honeymoon as this is published I have travel on the brain, so I thought I’d share a little bit about what I look for when I am booking a hotel, and how it relates to how I think about bedroom design. 

My most favorite hotel that I have ever stayed in is the Opus Hotel in Vancouver, BC. It is gorgeous! The rooms, instead of being boring hotel beige, are painted colors like luscious reds, electric ocean blues, and deep, sexy charcoal grays. I walk into those rooms and automatically feel sexy - waaaay sexier - than I do in a boring beige room. Seriously, check out their rooms - yum!

What is amazing to me is that more hotels don’t choose to use vibrant color on their walls - it’s just paint, and nearly everything else in the Opus rooms are more standard hotel choices. 

What’s even more amazing to me is that so few people take the time to make their own master bedrooms sensual retreats. Even folks who spend time and money creating welcoming living rooms, inviting guest rooms, and adorable kids' rooms often neglect their own bedrooms.

That is so silly because of all the places in our home, the bedroom more that any other rooms sets the tone for our days. We wake up every day in our bedroom, finish every day there, too - it is an integral part of our daily experience of life. In that space we love our partners, wrestle with our kids, cuddle with the dog… why not make it an embracing, comforting, sensual space instead of a plain white box filled with junk mail, laundry, and unread magazines?

So join me in the spirit of romance. I’ve chosen all my hotels in Italy for our honeymoon with excitement and romance in mind, why not make sure it’s at home in our everyday spaces, too?

Here’s to a romantic season of love, no matter what the calendar says!

Beat the winter blahs with bright bedroom colors

For those of you who know me personally, you know I regularly wear a bright red rain coat, a peacock teal fedora, and sometimes a mustard yellow scarf.  I get compliments all the time on all the colors, and I usually respond by saying that this is how I counteract the winter-gray weather we have in Seattle from November to, well, June.  It's like carrying around my own little bouquet of bright red tulips!

If you suffer from the blahs in this winter season, you can use the same trick in your home to chase away the gray and bring in some sunny weather.  Check out this mustard yellow duvet set I found not long ago at West Elm.  Just that splash of sunny gold takes the black and grey bed to a warm and happy place! 

What is so great about this way of splashing in color is that it isn't a big commitment. Unlike tile or counters, or even a whole sofa, a bedding set can be swapped out by the season to change up the look and feel of your room.  It can let you play and experiment with otherwise over-the-top colors. Try a rich plummy purple, or an electric blue, or a juicy apply green!

Have some fun with color as the holidays come to an end, twinkly lights are packed away, and we settle into 2014.  Create your own sunshine and welcome the new year with a smile on your face!

Self-Sabotage: Stop Eating in Front of the TV

If you are like millions of other Americans you snack and eat in front of the TV. If you are trying to eat more healthily and reach weight goals, you are seriously sabotaging yourself by doing it! Why is it bad, and how can you stop?

1. Why it’s bad:  TV wants you to eat!

I was watching The Voice with my husband the other night and suddenly I found myself craving Oreos.  Strange?  Well, not really considering the colorful ad that came across the screen encouraging me to indulge in Oreo-deliciousness.  Luckily, there were no Oreos in the house. 

That is how TV sabotages you: delicious-looking food items come across your screen so one moment your belly is blissfully content, the next, you’re craving salty-sweet foods.  One study shows that 1 out of every 5 ads is for food, and 70% of those food ads were for items high in sugar or fat. More than a quarter of the food ads were for fast-food restaurants.

So, simply by sitting in front of the TV you are subconsciously encouraged to go sneak a peek in the pantry.

TV wants you to eat MORE!

When we eat while we watch TV we are not thinking about what we are eating.  A compilation of 24 British studies showed that mindless eating on average leads to an extra 10% calories consumed at the time, and an extra 25% more calories at a future meal. Need I say more?

2. How to stop:  Create a space for mindful eating

CLEAR CLUTTER: If your dining table is covered in junk mail, office work, and take-out boxes, it’s time to clear it all out.  Create a space that makes it *easy* to eat at the table and, just as importantly, makes you *want* to eat at the table. 

CREATE BEAUTY: Your dining area should be inviting and beautiful, fun and friendly. Think of the mood at your favorite restaurant, and then bring that into your dining area. Paint can transform a room, and colors like pumpkin orange, apple red, and corn yellow all set a delicious food friendly mood.

ESTABLISH A RULE: Once you have created an easy-to-use, pleasant space to eat, make a rule that all eating must happen while sitting at the table, for one month. Any cheats extend the timeline for a week.

CREATE A REWARD: Once the month is up and a new habit is formed, set a reward movie on the calendar - maybe every other Friday is popcorn-in-front-of-the-tv night.  Make it a special occasion, not the regular rule.

If you create a place in your home that is not in front of the TV, a place where you enjoy eating, you’ll likely eat less junk food, eat fewer calories, eat higher quality food, and reconnect with yourself and your family in a meaningful way. So, stop eating in front of the TV, and think about repainting the living room.

The right paint color can help you move on from divorce

So you are divorced, and you are sitting in the living room looking around at the house you once shared with your ex. All the memories of your past are staring you in the face. Everything in that room echoes with memories.

Being surrounded by your past is not a good way to move forward, but you're not in a position to move. What can you do?

When that happened to me I got out the paint. I painted every surface a new color, and moved the furniture around so that I literally had a new perspective - on the room and on life. By making these simple changes inside my home it made me feel like a fresh start was possible, and gave me the courage to make bigger changes (like starting Rivalee Design).

In the last five years I've helped my clients do the same thing. One lovely lady had spent four years staring the stuff her ex left behind, until she hired me to come and help clear out the baggage.  With every box that went to goodwill I watched her physically lighten, and she began to smile more easily.  Another energetic gal had moved into a new condo of her own after divorce, but was feeling sad and blue because the space felt so impersonal and beige. We brightened her space with pumpkin colored paint and a zebra rug, and helped her create a space that felt just like the new 'her.'

Making over a room make not feel like the obvious answer to how to move on from your divorce, but it's a small, safe way to create change in a life that needs some new answers, and give you the courage to move forward in bigger ways, too.

Opening a door to a new life...

For just a minute the other day I thought about changing my company name to Open Door Design. I was thinking about how it feels to open the door after a home or room makeover... it's like stepping into a whole new life that is in perfect alignment with who you are and who you want to be.

One of the essential, core values of our company is that the home should support the people who live their.  *Support* their goals and good habits and challenge them to live the life the yearn to live.  Never *sabotage* those goals, keeping people stuck in past failures and heavy histories.

Now, the name Rivalee Design came from my grandmother's name and I have no plans to change it, but it can be fun and illuminating to play with our identities and try things on. Just like when we tried our first names with our grade-school boyfriend's last names, we may not actually make a name change but the exercise helps us imagine what could be, and how it might feel.  We clarify who we are, and that clarity helps make sure we are on track with our goals and in alignment with our purpose.

That happened for me not only when I was naming Rivalee Design, but also when I chose my last name "West" after my divorce.  I wanted a name that really felt like "me" and that would help me get a fresh start, like a fresh coat of paint on my whole life.  I chose West because to me it represented the spirit of the pioneer, taking on new adventures, going West.  By wrapping myself in the name West, I felt dressed and ready to take on a new life, and shed the old one.

A new name, a made-over bedroom, a new wardrobe that suits your new lifestyle and ambitions, these all may be just the dressing to our life, but it sets the stage for your daily routine and helps you get to your goals. If you are feeling stuck in your life the easiest way to get unstuck might be by changing the dressing on your life.  Get rid of things in your closet you no longer wear.  Give away the bed you shared with your ex.  Repaint the living room.  Plant colorful flowers in your front yard.  Tiny visual changes can be the key that opens the door to your next chapter.

Mood changing colors: Benjamin Moore's Soleil

The sun has come out this week in Seattle, and you can feel it in the brightness of people smiles.  It brings out the sundresses, the convertibles, and the iced lattes, and everyone is just a little friendlier than usual.  Just like the sun is able to brighten a person's mood, color can, too.  One of the most obvious happy-colors is, of course, yellow.

Yellow is the color of optimism, brightness, cheery attitude and mental clarity.  It can promote creative, clear, upbeat thinking and decision making, ease depression, and encourage laughter.  It's not for everyone, of course, and the wrong yellow, or yellow for the wrong person, can increase irritability and hyperactivity.  But as with any color, used well, it's lovely.

Benjamin Moore's Soleil lifts the mood atop of grey Sparrow and creates sunny harmony in this dining room.

One of my favorite yellows is Benjamin Moore's Soleil.  When a client tells me they want a yellow room, it is one of the first places I look and so often, it is perfect. I have used it to create a warm and happy dining room, a sophisticated and joyful bedroom, and an inviting and warm home office.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's quite yellow.  When you put it on all four walls you are not going to wonder if you ended up with a yellow.  But unlike the many (too many) yellow paint colors out there, this one won't scream CAUTION at you.  It won't get bitter or sharp.  It won't get babyish.  It's just... right.  Give it a try, or write to me for a couple of my other favorites.

Have fun, and don't fear color.  It's just paint!

Is the chair worth your marriage? Notes on compromise, design, and marriage.

I just finished a delightful book called Spousonomics.  I enjoyed it not only because it gave me a fresh way to look at the constant adventure of marriage, but put it in the unfluffy language of economics, as in simple supply and demand.  Sound dry and boring?  It's anything but!  Witty, lighthearted, smart and resourceful, I'd recommend it to newlyweds and long-term partners alike.  

What does this have to do with design?  Well, you know how in the TV show Frasier, Frasier's dad Marty Crane insisted on brining his ugly, icky worn chair into Frasier's perfectly decorated living room?  In part of the book one of the authors reveals the love she held for her own chair, and her husband's feelings about said chair: 

"Nothing did quite as much damage [to the marriage] as the La-Z-Boy.  Paula loved that chair.  She’d owned it for nearly a decade, and she’d dragged it with her every time she changed apartments.  She’d cuddled in it with her bipolar cat before she had to give him up for adoption for being too bipolar.  She’d sat in it listening to depressing Joni Mitchell songs after a long, drawn-out breakup.  That chair wasn’t just a chair; it was a trusted friend.  Upholstered in a soft, worn-in, mud brown velour, it had great lumbar support and a footrest.  It was the most comfortable seat in the house.  How could anyone think otherwise?

Apparently, Nevi could.  When he looked at the chair, he didn’t see good ergonomics or the warm patina of lost youth.  He saw an ugly, frayed, cat-piss-stained brown lump in the middle of his living room.  He said that Paula was overly sentimental about her possessions and that her love for the chair was “unhealthy.”  He said that every time he looked at it, he cringed.  He said in made him unhappy.  

Which Paula thought was insane.  How could merely looking at a chair make a person unhappy?  Wasn’t Nevi being a little melodramatic?"

The author goes on to write:

"In Paula’s case, it wasn’t just that she loved the chair - it was that she couldn’t stand the pain of losing the chair.  Losing it meant losing everything the chair had come to symbolize: her independent single days, her freedom to buy what she wanted and decorate how she wanted, and her ability to sit around doing nothing all day without having to consider the needs of someone else."

And then she asks "was the chair worth another year of fighting with Nevi?"

When I work with my clients I have to help them see their stuff for what it really is, just stuff.  Sometimes this story will end with Nevi coming to terms with how important the chair is to Paula, and letting it be.  Sometimes it will end with Paula understanding that it's just a chair, and letting it go does not mean she has given up her independence or youthful spirit.  And sometimes, in giving up the chair, Paula will realize that while yes, her youth may be in the past, her present is really wonderful and not something to disregard as less worthy than her spirited youth.  

Just like Paula and Nevi, or Frasier and his dad, you might have something in your life of your own or your partner's that is causing friction.  Take a moment to think about the real value of the item, and of the person.  If you can get a little perspective, it might bring a little peace back into the home.

Spend More Time with Friends and Family: New Years Resolution

"Spend More Time With Friends and Family"

This one seems to top the list of many people's New Year's Resolution lists.  If this really is a priority for you, what's getting in the way?  If you, like many of my clients, feel embarrassed by your home, then naturally that is keeping you from inviting over your friends and family.  If the thought of a houseguest makes you anxious, something needs to change.
When I work with a client that shares this goal with me, we do three things to fix the situation.  I ask them to:

1. Imagine the life you WANT to live.  Close your eyes and describe for me what it means to spend time with friends and family.  Paint me a picture, in detail. Where are you?  How many people are there? Who are they?  What are you doing?  How long do people stay?  Who initiated it?

2. Send out invitations.  We all study harder right before a test.  Having a deadline helps motivate action, so I ask my clients to put a date on the calendar and invite the honored guests.  It might just be your spouse or your sister over for a glass of wine, or it might be a dinner party for twelve.  What matters is setting a date and letting people know - trust me, it will help you reach the goal!

3. Take action.  Now for the physical, task-oriented work.  Clear the clutter.  Arrange the furniture to suit how you want to use the room (family dinners?  movie night?  game night?  cuddled next to the fireplace?  everyone crafting in the same room?).  Sell or give away what you don't need, and bring in what you need to finish the space.  That doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but what ever you *do* spend, remember that this is an investment in the life you WANT to live.

You can do these things on your own but I highly recommend involving a friend or a professional who will help you keep your eye on the prize, help you keep objective perspective, and kick you in the butt if you need it.  It's too easy to let go and end up making the same resolution in 2013.

Don't waste this coming year.  If spending more time with friends and family is a priority for you, figure out what you need to do to make it happen, then do it!

Want prosperity? Then dress (your home) for success!

You've heard that you should "dress for the job you want", but did you know you should also dress your home for the life that you want?

• Want to be a healthy, energetic person? Is your kitchen a room that invites cooking healthy meals or is it set up for grab-and-go eating?
• Want to be a successful business person? Is your office the room of a successful entrepreneur or the cave of a messy middleman?
• Want to be a generous, giving person? Is your home neat and clutter-free, or are you hoarding lots of stuff that someone else could really use and would love to have?

This is a great time to determine where you are in your life and where you want to be. Take a moment to reflect on this past year and decide what kind of life you want and what kind of person you want to be in the coming year.  Make sure that your home supports those goals, that you have a bedroom that lets you rest comfortably, a kitchen that makes it easy to cook healthily, a living room that encourages conversation, and an office that supports your career goals.  Let go of the past and leap into your future, and remember:

"You can't write the next part of your story if you keep rereading the last chapter in your life!"

A different kind of holiday wishlist

We're coming up on a time of year that tends to be about buying a lot of 'stuff' cleverly camouflaged as gifts.  Have you noticed that many of the gifts we exchange at Christmas just add to the piles of unnecessary things in our houses?  This year, why not take a different approach to the Christmas wishlist?  This idea is more economical because it calls on your skills instead of your wallet, it's better for our home because it doesn't bring in more 'stuff', and can potentially create more lasting memories as you work with your friends and family to accomplish something.
Take a tour of your home and make a list of all the things you've been putting of or meaning to do - glue the leg on your dining room chair, replace those burnt out light bulbs, repaint the front door, swap out the kitchen faucet, take that load in the garage to goodwill.  Then email the wishlist to your partner, friends and family and ask them for help with these things as your Christmas gift this year instead of 'stuff'.  In turn, ask them to email their own wishlist - you might be surprised what they could use a hand with that you might find easy to do!  How great would it be to start the new year with all those little things accomplished, and know that you helped out your friends, too!
Normally I clean my car, gutters and windows myself.  It's one of those things I can do so I am too cheap to hire someone else to do it for me.  But I HATE doing it - it's cold, wet, and messy.  So last year, for Christmas, my family hired someone else to do this for me.  My dad got my a gift certificate to detail the interior of my car (he's in Kentucky or he'd have done it himself), a friend's handyman-husband cleared the gutters, and Paneless Window Cleaning came and did the windows.  Not only was it such a luxury, but they all did the job so much better than I ever had.  These were gifts I really treasured and would not ever have purchased for myself.
Happy gifting!

Wish you were $6000 richer? The truth about Self-Storage and clutter.

http://www.stonecreekstorage.com/

"America has a problem with overaccumulation" says Peter Walsh in his book It's All Too Much. "It's abundantly clear if you spend one minute noticing how many self-storage facilities have sprung up in your neighborhood."

While there are times that renting a storage unit can make sense, if you are one of the many people with stuff in storage, maybe it's time to reevaluate this choice.  Let's say you rented a storage unit 5 years ago because you moved and the new house had less room. You didn't think you'd stay in the smaller place that long, but here you are, 5 years later.  Let's say the unit runs you $100 a month.  You've spent $6000 storing all that stuff!  Have you gone back to access any of it?  Are you really sure what is even in that unit?  It's time to accept that whatever 'temporary' reason you had for renting the unit isn't actually temporary, and starting living your actual life.

Is there anything that you could use $6000 for right now?

Don't waste time regretting that lost income, but also don't waste another dollar storing all that stuff.  Put a deadline on the calendar for when you will cancel the agreement, and get to work!

Three common problems and a hint to help:

1. It's my daughter's or son's stuff.  What are you teaching your kids?  To value the things that they own.  If these items are important they should come and get them.  If they aren't important, they should go to Goodwill so someone else can use them.

2. It's family heirlooms. If it is stuffed in a box, covered in dust or mildew, and hasn't seen daylight in 5 years, it's NOT precious.  Stop pretending you care about it if you can't honor it enough to have it out and appreciated.  Give your extended family a chance to have the heirloom items, but if they don't care enough to take them either, it is not your responsibility to be the family storage facility.

3. It's overwhelming.  Set a timer, only work on the project 2 hours at a time.  With each item simply ask "Can someone else use or enjoy this more than I am?"  "Does this item add value to the life I want to live"  "Is storing this item worth $1200 a year?"  Don't hesitate to call a friend or a professional to help, they (we) can make it much less overwhelming and even fun!

You CAN do this, and you will feel freer and richer as a result.  Good luck, and happy un-storing!

Do you deserve a beautiful home?

The simple answer is... YES!

But if you're still not sure you deserve to create a welcoming, nurturing, beautiful home, consider these questions for Sandra Felton in her book "Messie No More":

• Why not be among those who are thrilled to invite people over on the spur of the moment? 
• Why not be the person to whom people say, "Your house is so lovely!" 
• Why not have people over for meals without working yourself to death to get ready? 
• Why not have a house that raises your self-esteem rather than tears it down? 
• Why not have a house filled with your favorite colors and accents? 
• Why not have a house that reflects peace so that others love to come over?

Dining room and kitchen by Rivalee Design

The question is not "why should we have a nice house?". The real question is, why not?

Make room for your new life - clear out clutter!

After my divorce a good friend gave me some wonderful advice when I was trying to decide what to do with my wedding ring. She said that I needed to get it out of my home in order to make room for all the good things that were waiting for me to make space for them.

That really hit home because without realizing it, by holding on to that token of my past I was keeping myself from opening to new love.

Now I work with clients trying to make fresh starts in their own lives, and I always share that wisdom with them. Every time we start I hear the list of excuses why they CAN’T get rid of Aunt Ann’s chair, the second set of dishes, the broken mirror, the dusty records in the attic, etc... At this point, after reminding them that they are trying to move FORWARD in their lives, I gently remind them that instead of hoarding the stuff out of fear and guilt, they can let someone else use and enjoy it! Not only will the stuff have a new life, but there will be room in their home and heart for things that will bring them joy to look at and use.

If you are ready to tackle your home and lighten its load, here are five helpful tips to focus the project:

1. Contain the project. Choose one half of a closet, one quarter of a garage, or one box of papers. Make it an area that you can finish in an hour or two.
2. Get comfortable and prepared. Have a chair or pillow to sit on, have water on hand, and have boxes ready for the things you are keeping, the things you are letting go, and the things that need further consideration.
3. Set a timer for one hour. During that one hour do not answer the phone, wander to the fridge, or otherwise get distracted. When the timer dings, take the box for Goodwill to the donation station immediately. Move the Craigslist items to a corner and post them within 24 hours. Action is the key!
4. Make money.  If you are going to sell your items through Craigslist, decide how you want to use the money you make. Write down that goal or post of picture of it in the workspace you are organizing. By posting a picture nearby of what you DO want then as you hold each item you can ask yourself if it supports the life you WANT or the life you have.
5. Forget how to read.  Unless you are focussing on paperwork for the hour, NEVER read, sort or file the papers you find while decluttering. You’ll NEVER finish because either you’ll drown in nostalgia or get overwhelmed. Instead, have a small box on hand, toss the papers you find into it, and make that a separate organizing project.

Once you finish an section, celebrate. Imagine how much closer you are to having the life and home you want, and smile!

Keeping a marriage happy throughout a remodel

One of my clients shared this cartoon with me and, after a good giggle, it made me think about how often a kind of “marriage counseling” comes into my work. As both a ballroom dance instructor and an interior designer I have learned a number of things that can make or break a project for a couple, and I’d like to share some of that insight with you. If you’ve never undertaken a remodel together before, you’re in for a pretty big adventure, and you want to go in with the right attitude and, ideally, the support of a designer that *both* of you like and trust and who can make sure that the final design is one you both like.

Comic by Besty Streeter

Here are key ingredients to achieving the goals for your home and, when you’re done, still have a happy relationship:

1) Identify your dream(s).
First, understand that you both have some idea of what this project will end up looking like, but that you might have very different ideas of that end product. We have to figure out how you want to feel in your home when it’s done, how do you want to live. The key here is to LISTEN to each other, and don’t judge! At this stage every idea is valid.

2) Destroy preconceived notions.
Both partners are going to have some concept of how much it will (or should) cost and how long it will take. Again, LISTEN to each other and *never* laugh at your spouse. If you ridicule your partner they’ll just clam up and be that much less open to your desires when it’s your turn to be heard. It’s normal for someone not to know how much a sofa or flooring or any of the other ingredients will cost - how often does the price of a kitchen faucet come up in your spouse’s work?

3) Draw a map.
This is where the designer starts pulling together ideas and options and will ask for decisions. It often helps to assign “homework” and divide up the decisions - let the husband choose the counters, the wife choose the flooring... and trust the designer to guide the decisions so they all work together. Agree to honor the work and decisions of the other person.


4) Demo and remodel.
You are going to face dust and dirt, perhaps weeks without a kitchen or bath, delays, etc. Last minute decisions will have to be made, and changes approved when things don’t go as planned. Stay on the same team. Budget for a night in a hotel or a nice meal out once in a while as part of the project. Be a cheerleader for your spouse and know that even thought they might stress about different things (she’s worried about the money, he wants the lighting to be just so) their worries are just as valid as your own.

5) Celebrate!
As you achieve goals, break out the champagne. Not just the big goal (the kitchen is done and we are having a housewarming party) but the small goals, too (the cabinets came in!)

6) Throughout, remember what’s important; your marriage and your family.
There are NO design emergencies, and the cabinet color and finish is NOT more important than your spouse. If you see your spouse digging in like a mule, chances are that they feel they aren’t being heard, or felt steamrolled on the last 10 decisions. If you’ve been getting your own way for a while, it might be time to get them really involved again. Or, if *you* start acting like a stubborn mule on a design decision, take a deep breath, set it aside, talk about it with your designer. Go out and get a little perspective. Sometimes you just need a walk, sometimes you need to go volunteer at a soup kitchen, but do something that reminds you that beautiful design and new kitchens and baths are a luxury and a gift, not a right or emergency.

Then go kiss your husband or wife.

You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your partner by taking on a remodel together, and it can be surprisingly easy and even fun if you have a though-out budget with a little extra set aside, and keep some light-hearted perspective

Turn your living room into a "Conversation Room"

Real estate agents, TV advertisers, and greeting cards companies make their money selling a fantasy. They sell you a make-believe world in which friends come over to your home to linger over a cup of tea and celebrate the ups and downs of life. They convince you that this house, this brand of coffee, this holiday card is the missing ingredient, the key, that will give you a life filled with friendship and meaning.

Of course, that’s a bunch of hooey. There is no magic product that will create a meaning-filled, love-filled life. The “secret” is, in fact, that any house can be a home, any cup of coffee can give friends a reason to stay a little longer, and any card sent to a loved one shows you’re thinking of them, even a halloween card sent at Easter.

There is, however, something you can do to increase your chance for a a magical, meaningful life. It has to do to with creating a place amenable to conversation, a space in your home where distractions are limited and the focus is on the human being in front of you. I’d like to introduce...

“The Conversation Room.”

Before, the focus of the room was a giant TV.
That TV is still in the room, but now the focus is on gathering and talking.

I say you CAN have the magic they show in the coffee commercials! All you need to do is create a conversation room in your home.  How? The key is in the furniture arrangement.

Flip through a magazine and look at the images of inviting living rooms - unlike many family rooms you see today with the furniture all directed towards the TV, the seating in these rooms faces other seating, making it easy and natural to talk. It’s kind of like tree stumps in a circle around a fire pit. That’s it. That’s the key!

Five tips for creating a great, living, conversation room.

1. Make it intimate.
This is essential!  Make sure the furniture allows for easy conversation. No one should have to overturn their head to chat with a friend. Equally, no one should have to shout to be heard or struggle to hear the conversation. Of course a conversation room can be created in a great big room, but it should still be broken down into small conversation spots, small enough for two to gossip, and large enough for four friends to pass an afternoon.

2. Make it comfortable.
Forget stiff and formal living room furniture. And lose the old futon that swallows your friends. The furniture should be comfortable and inviting - and that means not only the right level of “squooshiness” but also that it should be neither so clean, nor so dirty, that people are afraid to sit. Also make sure that the temperature is comfortable; have a couple of throws in easy reach for friends who might feel chilled.

3. Make it private.
A conversation room should feel “safe” for sharing secrets. It’s not meant to be the center of attention, or right off the kids’ play area, or next to the main phone in the house. It should be free of distractions so that friends can come together and plot their next conquest and commiserate over their latest lost love.

4. Invite a little distraction.
While it is important that there be no TV in the conversation room, or if there is, that it has a very good cover that conceals it and that the furniture is *not* oriented towards it, you still want a little distraction in the room for those comfortable pauses in any conversation. Light music, a garden view or interesting painting, and a few good books on the table will do.

5. Make it stylish.
Give the room a theme or style that inspires you to sit and stay a while. Prefer a clean, open, contemporary look? Or a cozy, country feel? Maybe a fascinating global adventure? Play with it, but give it a distinct personality; it shouldn’t feel like a forgotten or catch-all room. Give it the honor that you want to give to your visiting friends.

It’s time to reclaim a LIVING living room - good luck!

Recovering from divorce through design

Credit: scottsnyde

© scottsnyde - SXC

So, you’re newly single. When you look around your home, do you see your future, or only ghosts and broken dreams? As painful as divorce is, it is also the beginning of the rest of your life, and if you can embrace this idea you will find a whole new world of possibility waiting for you.

I've been there. I have faced the pain and embarrassment of knowing that I failed at marriage, and the terror of knowing that every plan I’d made is void and I need a new plan. I have also faced living in a home that reminded me of that lost life everywhere I looked.

So what did I do? I repainted every wall, craigslisted some of the furniture, and created a home that said ME instead of US. And once I was done, I felt like I could start my life again because everywhere I looked I saw a beginning instead of an end.

So, when you are ready to leave the pain and past behind, why not start with a fresh coat of paint? There is nothing so therapeutic as physical activity, and I can almost guarantee that this will help you restart your life emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

If you have kids you will have to be sensitive to their needs, too, of course. You can ask them if they want to redesign their room. Some kids will really need the stability of everything staying the same, and you will need to take things slowly, and just do one room, perhaps your bedroom and master bath, at first. Other kids will leap at the idea and enjoy this new project with you. Either way, it’s smart to create a box of mementos of their other parent, even early love letters and photos, for your kids to have for later as they ask questions about your marriage and what happened. Some of my most treasured items from my own childhood are the cards signed ‘mom and dad’ from the years before my parents’ divorce when I was seven. 

 
Still, your children learn from everything you do, and if they see you embracing a new future (instead of bashing the past) they can learn optimism and courage, and from you will understand how to make the best of even the hardest situations.

Lose Weight and Get Fit: Top 10 New Years Resolutions

Image: How To Get Fit Guide

The second in our ten-part series on the top ten New Years resolutions and how your house can help (or hurt!) your success.

"Lose Weight and Get Fit"

A top priority for most people, and unfortunately one of the first to be broken.

Will-power is only as strong as the environment you create.  That's one of the reasons the folks on the Biggest Loser have such amazing success - not only are they motivated, they have entered an environment that will support their goals 100%.  Learn from that, and create your own environment of success.  

Here are just three of the many ways your home can change so that it is your ally, not your enemy, in reaching your health goals:

1. Cut the clutter.  If you spend each morning digging through a stuffed closet to find something to wear, hunting for your keys and purse and trying to locate the kids' permission slip, how can you cook a healthy breakfast or make time for the gym?  If you're serious about getting fit, you have to help your house lose some weight, too.

2. Cull the closet.  Another important place trim the fat.  One of the most important things I learned when I decided to lose 35 pounds was that I had to feel good in my clothes now.  I had to be able to put an outfit together that made me feel comfortable, professional and put together so that I felt successful enough to walk away from that Snickers bar.  Your closet should be free of clothes that are out of style, are too large or too small, or don't make you look and feel great.  The clothes you have should have room to breathe and come out of the closet ready to wear.  Not only will you feel better, but you will also have more time in the mornings for those other healthy choices, like preparing a healthy lunch.

3. Get out of the kitchen.  This is especially key for those who work at home or stay home to care for the kids.  If you tend to read, study, or work in the kitchen or at the dining table, create a new place for those activities.  It's too easy to nibble when everything is right at hand.  If you must work near the kitchen, consider painting the walls in that space a minty green or sky blue, as these are the color least likely to encourage your appetite.  And get the food out of sight - leave nothing but some fruit out on the counters.

These are only a few of the ways that your home can support your goals to get healthy.  Don't waste this coming year.  If losing weight and getting fit is a priority for you, figure out what you need to do to make it happen, then do it!

Is your house overweight? Clear out the clutter!

Before you rush out to buy color-coded bins to organize your stuff and attack your New Year's Resolutions, ask yourself honestly - do you just have too much stuff?  

Think about it, you can't stuff 10 pounds of flour into a 5 pound bag.  You can't pour 2 cups of milk into a 1 cup bowl.  Yet we stuff as much stuff (hmmm, is there a reason it's called 'stuff'?) into our homes as we can, never taking anything out, and think that the right bins, baskets and labels will solve the problem.

It won't.

Bedroom BEFORE Rivalee Design

Bedroom AFTER Rivalee Design - no new furniture was purchased!

If your garage is overflowing, your office creeping into the dining room, and the kids' toys everywhere, you could move to a bigger house, but I suggest the cheaper, easier, and more ecological idea of getting rid of some of that stuff. Here's how:

Make time. Set a timer for two to four hours. Turn off the phone and tv, turn on some great music. Limit distraction so you get more done.
Define the goal. Keep focussed: choose one closet, one room, one bookshelf at a time. Otherwise you just end up with a bigger mess. Make a pile for things to keep, things to toss, and things that need a little more thought (maybe you have to ask another family member about it).
Question everything. As you pick up each item ask:
  -  Have we used this in the last 3 months (or, if seasonal, in the last 2 years)?
  -  Could someone else use this better or enjoy this more than I am?
  -  Does owning this make my happy, or do I not really care about having it? 

  -  Am I only keeping this out of guilt?
  -  Does this fit (my body AND my age)?
Reconsider. Go back to the "keep" pile and take out at least three more things to give away.
Take action.  Take the "get rid of" pile to Goodwill immediately. If you could immediately shed 10 lbs the moment you decided to go on a diet, wouldn't you do so? With your house, you can, so take that extra weight and get rid of it!!  Put the "to think about" pile in a box and seal it up. Mark a date on the calendar 1-2 months away. If you haven't needed anything from the box, take it to Goodwill on that date without opening it up!

Once you get rid of all the stuff you are not using you'll be amazed at how much room you have and how everything can find a home so easily. 

 Good luck, and happy organizing!