Teaching kids gratitude while clearing clutter from your home

Want to clear the clutter from your home, teach your kids great habits, and encourage gratitude in your home? Start this new holiday tradition.

Set a day on the calendar for "making room" and be sure that each person or child you want involved will have time free that day. This can be a good activity the day after Thanksgiving as a way to reflect on the meaning of gratitude, or chose a day closer to Christmas as the kids are getting more and more excited about the new toys they want.

• On the given day, start off by reading "Too Many Toys" by David Shannon. It's a great way to help kids relate to and understand the idea without any lecturing.
• Set a timer. Adjust the time based on how much you want to declutter. Older kids and adults can probably handle an hour or two, but with younger kids, limit the time to thirty minutes. 
• Set the example by choosing some number of things from your own closet, craftroom, or storage area to give away.
• Have the kids choose the things they are ready to give away (you can determine how many items that should be).
• Then let the kids celebrate by making up their Christmas wish list.

This should be a time for appreciating gifts from the past, and for learning that generosity returns only to those who are generous. By making this an annual ritual you will not only keep the clutter down in your home, but also help teach the kids, and reminds yourself, of the importance of generosity and gratitude.

Is your ex still haunting your house?

After your ex moves out of the house one of the challenges is to turn "our" home into "my" home, but it can be hard to get that "at home" feeling when your ex is still haunting your home!

When your ex moved out they didn't take *everything* with them... they left behind the Memories.  The sofa you bought together, the pictures of you both with your friends last summer, the wedding gift from your aunt, the print from that winery you picked up on your honeymoon... the list goes on and on.  How do you get rid of those ghosts without setting a match to it all and walking away?

Recently, while being interviewed for an upcoming documentary on divorce in the USA, they asked if I have my clients throw everything out in order to start fresh after a divorce. I said "no, of course not" and explained that not only is that prohibitively expensive for most of my clients, but that relaunching doesn't mean having to toss everything and buy all new. For each client we have to start by figuring out what in the home needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be put away for a while. And if there are kids involved we also have to figure out what they need to stay connected to the other parent, without holding anyone back from moving forward. It's not easy.

Then I explained that small changes can go a really long way to helping the recently-divorced person move on from the embarrassment, pain, and heartache of the breakup and move on to the terrifying excitement of a new start in life. Fresh paint, for example, can transform a room and create a new mood in just a few hours, whether you are wanting to feel newly sensual, newly youthful, or newly adventurous!

If you feel like your ex is still haunting your home and your just not sure where to start, try these four tips:

1. Make one small change. Just rearrange the living room furniture. Just put fresh flowers on the kitchen table. Just repaint your bedroom. One small, manageable, bite-size change can start the process of healing and help you get some forward motion if you are feeling stuck.

2. Give yourself permission to let go. Just because that sofa was expensive doesn't mean you can't sell it on Craigslist if it is making you miserable. It's just a sofa, and it's not worth your misery.

3. Give yourself permission to hold on. If your friends are telling you to throw out your wedding photos but it doesn't feel right to you, then put them safely in a box so that you don't have the day-to-day visual reminder of your past and the failure of your marriage, and put them on a top shelf in the attic. It's okay if they stay there for a decade, or until you start dating again, or forever. And if you have kids, it's often smart to save them for the inevitable questions that will come up later.

4. Get help. Have a friend (or a professional your trust) go through your home with you and do an 'energy audit' of the space. Walk through each room and get out what you feel when you are in that room. What memories are evoked, what do you feel and what do you wish you felt? Have your friend take notes - this will give you a good overview and the start to a roadmap for the big-picture changes you will need to take on, and help you understand what it is about your house that is haunting you.

Make room for your new life - clear out clutter!

After my divorce a good friend gave me some wonderful advice when I was trying to decide what to do with my wedding ring. She said that I needed to get it out of my home in order to make room for all the good things that were waiting for me to make space for them.

That really hit home because without realizing it, by holding on to that token of my past I was keeping myself from opening to new love.

Now I work with clients trying to make fresh starts in their own lives, and I always share that wisdom with them. Every time we start I hear the list of excuses why they CAN’T get rid of Aunt Ann’s chair, the second set of dishes, the broken mirror, the dusty records in the attic, etc... At this point, after reminding them that they are trying to move FORWARD in their lives, I gently remind them that instead of hoarding the stuff out of fear and guilt, they can let someone else use and enjoy it! Not only will the stuff have a new life, but there will be room in their home and heart for things that will bring them joy to look at and use.

If you are ready to tackle your home and lighten its load, here are five helpful tips to focus the project:

1. Contain the project. Choose one half of a closet, one quarter of a garage, or one box of papers. Make it an area that you can finish in an hour or two.
2. Get comfortable and prepared. Have a chair or pillow to sit on, have water on hand, and have boxes ready for the things you are keeping, the things you are letting go, and the things that need further consideration.
3. Set a timer for one hour. During that one hour do not answer the phone, wander to the fridge, or otherwise get distracted. When the timer dings, take the box for Goodwill to the donation station immediately. Move the Craigslist items to a corner and post them within 24 hours. Action is the key!
4. Make money.  If you are going to sell your items through Craigslist, decide how you want to use the money you make. Write down that goal or post of picture of it in the workspace you are organizing. By posting a picture nearby of what you DO want then as you hold each item you can ask yourself if it supports the life you WANT or the life you have.
5. Forget how to read.  Unless you are focussing on paperwork for the hour, NEVER read, sort or file the papers you find while decluttering. You’ll NEVER finish because either you’ll drown in nostalgia or get overwhelmed. Instead, have a small box on hand, toss the papers you find into it, and make that a separate organizing project.

Once you finish an section, celebrate. Imagine how much closer you are to having the life and home you want, and smile!

Why our homes must change

Show up to work every day in your favorite outfit from the 80's and you wouldn't feel quite as smart, successful, and accomplished. You'd feel silly and people would wonder why you were having so much trouble letting go of the past. Yet many of us still live in homes surrounded by the same furniture, colors and artwork that we had in our last marriage, or when our kids were still toddlers, or when we weighed 60 pounds more.

Author Terah Collins, in "The Western Guide to Feng Shui", writes:

"Embracing change is often resisted in our culture. We are supposed to always look 25, buy furniture once, and choose one career we can stick with for a lifetime. As we all know, life doesn't work that way. Change happens. As we grow older and wiser, we may marry, have children, divorce, remarry, go back to school, change careers, move, make new friends..."

She goes on to explain that we can't fully move forward in life if our homes fail to reflect those changes.

Bedroom BEFORE Rivalee Design

Bedroom AFTER Rivalee Design

Take a look around your home. Try to see it as if you were a new friend visiting for the first time. How would you describe the person that lives there? What gender is this person? Does a single person, couple, or family live here? What is their age? What interests do they have? Do you think they live a happy, energetic, successful life? Does it look like this person is excited about the future and is living fully?

If you home isn't sending you the messages you want then it is time to make a change. You simply can't wake up every day to a home that brings you down and expect to get what you want out of life. Your home should support you and your goals and make you feel great about the life your are living!

Renting doesn't have to feel temporary and bland

When we rent we often feel like we are in a temporary home and there is no sense putting effort or money into making the apartment feel like home.  This can be a big mistake since it can encourage you to treat the rest of your life as temporary too and you might not put the energy into your career, relationships, and yourself that you need to in order to achieve your goals.

Setting aside the concept that all of life is, in fact, temporary, let's agree that the only time we can be sure of having is this moment, right now.  If that is true then the place where you are living right now is your home and is the only place setting the stage for how you start and end your day.  While you might daydream of that perfect home you might someday have, why not make something of the home you are already living in?

Rented Queen Anne Condo BEFORE Rivalee Design

Rented Queen Anne Condo AFTER Rivalee Design

It doesn't have to cost a lot, and it wouldn't make sense to make permanent changes to the space (unless your landlord will reimburse you), but a lush area rug, a coordinated color scheme, even a fresh coat of paint can make you happier in the place in which your are living and give you the feeling of success and motivation you need to pursue your other goals.

Even if you are convinced that you'll be buying your dream home in just another year or two, make the effort to create a home in your current place, because a year or two can become five years before you know it, not to mention that anything can happen in a year.

Let your kids decorate, it's a learning opportunity

Is your son or daughter begging for a bedroom makeover? This is a great chance to teach them about budgeting and let them express their personal taste!

Photo courtesy of archzine.org

First, set a budget. Decide how much money your can afford for the project and decide if the child has to contribute to that fund. For the lessons in this article, it’s not really important for them to contribute, since it’s about budgeting and planning, rather than earning.

Next, decide the parameters. Are the floors off-limits? But an area rug is okay? What about paint? It’s reasonable to let them choose the wall or ceiling color, but what about the trim, molding and doors? Can they paint the furniture, or buy new?

Once the limits are set write them down on paper along with the budget and have everyone sign the decorating contract.  Make sure they understand that they only have this amount of money, that it needs to account for sales tax and shipping, if applicable, and help them create a complete plan before they ever lift a paint brush or buy a comforter. Teach them to ask about return policies at stores and how to care for packaging and save receipts in case they need to take something back.

Make sure the contract states that you get to review the plan before implementation to assure that the limits were kept in mind, but otherwise try to keep your hands off the project. Not only will your kid feel valued by being trusted and allowed to express some personal taste, they’ll come to understand the real cost of goods, learn to prioritize and make choices they must live with, and begin to learn to budget.  They might even care for and clean the room since it is theirs, not yours!  Priceless!

Can a beautiful home make you happy?

In the book “Women and Stress” Jean Lush writes that “beauty and a sense of order in your home are functional. They have a purpose and are not unnecessary luxuries. Creating beauty around us gives us a sense of accomplishment, charges us with energy, and reduces tension.”

Living room by Rivalee Design (www.rivalee.com)

Many of my clients wait years to call me because they feel that spending money on their home is wasteful, self-indulgent and worldly, but as a result they spend those years feeling like their home is unfinished and for many it means that they don’t have friends and family over to enjoy their home because they feel embarrassed.

“Beauty is not just for the rich and famous. It is right for everyone and fundamental to emotional health” writes Lush. And beauty need not be expensive. It’s about prioritizing the items in your home, getting rid of what is not needed, and making the most of what you have. Of course, it usually involves a can of paint and a good vacuuming, too, because while things don’t need to be sterile, they should be clean enough that wrestling on the floor with your kids doesn’t give you a face full of old cheerios and dog hair.

Frank Lloyd Wright taught his students that beauty dissolves conflicts, quiets us within, inspires us, creates a sense of happiness and serenity, refreshes us, and consoles us in times of depression. “Beauty,” he added, “is not unnecessary or impractical.”

If life has you feeling overwhelmed, try spending an afternoon getting one room in order. Take at least 10%, if not 50%, of the stuff to Goodwill. Open the windows and close the closet doors. There is a good chance that you’ll feel better afterwards, and be better prepared to face some of the harder tasks in your life.